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Charlotte Elizabeth Amelia Baines

Though her smile is gone forever
And her hand we cannot touch
We still have so many memories
Of the one we love so much

Her memories are our keepsakes
With which we will never part
God has her in his keeping
We have her in our hearts

Please post any photos of Charlotte you would like to share, we would love to see them !!! Remember to include e-mail details etc if leaving tributes, because otherwise they dont appear !


Charlotte Elizabeth Amelia Baines is the beloved daughter of Michael and Jeannette Baines, but she left us to be an angel in the early hours of 19th May 2007. She was just 10 years old and was a year 6 pupil at Bleak Hill Junior School, St. Helens.

Charlotte had been ill for nearly 2 years, having been diagnosed with a brain tumor in August 2005. It started off by causing a slight tremor in her right hand, but gradually spread to her whole right side. She had chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatments throughout 2006 and, for a while, it looked like she was making a good recovery, to the extent we were able to take her to Florida. We had to cancel in 2005 because of her illness. She swam with the dolphins and visited all the theme parks and had a great time.

But, tragically, in November she suffered a seizure and we found the tumor had started growing again and was spreading rapidly. Nothing could be done to prevent it.

Her mum and Dad have been by her side constantly for the last 7 months as she got weaker and weaker.

Lottie was so brave throughout her illness. Her only complaint to begin with was that she couldnt cartwheel around the house and infact everywhere she went. I remember one night walking into the living room to find her doing cartwheels my heart was in my mouth and I could have fainted with shock. So as not to frighten her i made her promise that she would only cartwheel while either me or her dad where present. She was fine with that but im not 100% sure she kept to that.

The reason I not sure is because Lottie was very mischievous. In January this year we were told they were stopping her treatment because it wasnt working. I cant begin to describe how that felt, we had never told Lottie how ill she was, but she was a bright kid and i think eventually she had worked it out for herself. However, one of the side effects of the tumour growing and multiplying was Lottie forgetting her vocabulary. One particular night back in January her dad asked her what she wanted for tea and she spoke some kind of gobbledegook to him and he walked out looking very worried. After he left the room Lottie laughed and said - caught you, we shouted him back into the room and told him and all had a laugh. Another time she pretended to me that she was going to be sick I jumped up and got a tupperware container to collect it in and she burst out laughing saying she had never seen me move so quickly. Those times melted my heart.

When back in November last year they told us the tumours were growing they told us there was a new treatment which they could try a form of chemo. When I told her about it she said oh well i will probably lose some hair again, but its ok because it will grow again and if not ive got those lovely hats you bought last year. Another heart melting moment how balanced was my baby.

A couple of words she kept the longest were -I love you or I wuv you. She said these so often to us i was convinced she had some idea of what was happening. We always gave her hope always - how could we not. I told her that when she was better we where going on the shopping trip of a lifetime. I said we would go to London, to find the biggest Clares in the world and spend all of dads money on ear rings.

Anything big and colourful, preferably pink was Lotties choice. I didnt go on about the trip but felt I needed to give her something to look forward to. She thought this was a great idea.

She has some of the most elaborate ear rings you have ever seen.

In January this year she chose to be baptised. She did say when we discussed it what are the benefits for me and i told her she could choose a name herself, choose her godparents and maybe get some presents. I didnt want to tell her the religious reasons because I didnt want to frighten her. She was more than happy to be baptised - i think it was the presents that swung it.

She chose her most favourite people to be her god-parents, her childminder (who acutally was far more than a childminder) Auntie Sue, and her daughter Emma.

I spoke to Father Tom and he was brilliant. At the same time our friends had decided to have their daughter baptised and they asked Charlotte if she wanted to be her godmother - she was delighted. The plan was to have them baptised together at our house. Lottie went downhill fairly rapidly and we had to get on with her baptism, so it was just me her dad, Sue and Emma and Father Tom. I mentioned to Father Tom previously about the earrings I felt I needed to warn him. He said he was fine - providing she didnt want him to wear them too.

It was a remarkably special time. Lottie bought her own outfit from Tammy Girl for 12 pounds from her pocket money. She wore the reddest lipstick i have ever seen and the biggest earrings ever. I had to warn Father Tom when he arrived, he thought it was funny. We both read a prayer and Lottie joined in the prayers. It was very emotional for me but wonderful. Lottie decided on the restaurant afterwards and it was an all round special event.

She chose the name Amelia after the baby daughter of our best friends, who was born while we were in Florida, and we thought that was a lovely name to fit with her others - we mostly called her Lottie.

I cant believe Im writing this stuff..........

When we first told Lottie about her tumour and about how it had formed
(cells growing in a place that they shouldnt lottie decided to give it a name and called it Fred. She said it wasnt Freds fault that these cells had grown in a place that they shouldnt. We were blown away, but worried too. What we didnt want was for her to turn this into an imaginary friend. She had a very vivid imagination and was always creating friends and people and situations to play with.

I told her that actually we didnt like Fred and would be doing everything we could to get him out of her head and gone forever. Her attitude was and always has been lets just get on with this, no fuss whatever we have to do lets just do it.

It was partly because of her attitude we were able to be so brave. We got a lot of brave from Lottie.

School was really important to her and so we would take her off for her treatment and then take her into school. Then we would go to work be distracted for a period and then go home and be normal - whatever that is.

Auntie Sue (childminder) was invaluable during the last 21 months. I am so so lucky to have had her care for Lottie. She loved her like she does the others she cares for. She was always more than a childminder, Lottie loved her so much. There were times we would go to collect Lottie and she wouldnt want to come home.

At Sues were some of her best friends, other girls from he class. One in paticular who over the Christmas period Lottie talked about to our neighbour. The children were talking about best friends and Charlotte mentioned this particular friend and said that she was her best friend -because she is always there for me. This stuff just melts your heart doesnt it!

There was only one time when Lottie did complain about her condition. That was generated by her inablility to do cartwheels. All her friends where cartwheeling at Aunty Sues, when I collected her Sue mentioned it to me because she had encouraged the girls to do something else, something that Lottie could do with them. The following day she went to her friends and a group of them climbed over the fence which, they always had done, but Lottie couldnt. Her right arm and leg had been affected by the tumour and just werent strong enough anymore. Anyway she came home that evening and just wasnt her normal self. I talked to her and eventually she told me at bedtime that she wanted to die because she hated her life. The three of us just lay on her bed and cried.

We talked about the treatment and physio, and all the positive things we could think of. She went to bed in a better mood, but we just cried for the rest of the night.

She never complained ever again.

We had been told in July that the tumour had shrunk, which enabled us to go to places like Florida and Centre Parcs.

In October one group of doctors said the tumour had returned whilst another the person responsible for her radio therapy treatment said no what could be seen on the scans was scar tissue from the treatment. How wrong he was - saddly.

After her seizure in November it was more than apparant it was back with a vengence.

Even then she was brilliant. After the seizure she lost some of her vocabulary and got a bit confused. She looked at me one day and didnt know who I was, she called her dad Grandad. It was awful. She was always in charge of the remote control for the telly at home. In hospital she called it an engine. When she got better we remided her of some of the things she had said she laughed, we all laughed but inside we were dying - Lottie literally.

When we went to Florida last year I as usual had a timetble for what we were doing, where we were going etc. I had to get Lotties ok but really she was fine about it all. We tried to do as much as we could recognising that she tired easily and because of the weakness in her leg and arm we had to take everything at her pace.

We had passes for all the theme parks including bush gardens. We had a ride on a speed boat planned. This turned out to be fantastic. We should have seen dolphins but didnt so the guy in charge kept us out a bit longer and went really really fast she love it. She lost her hat and her hair ended up looking wild but she laughed and laughed on tht trip. I Included in our timetable wednesday - packing. She was most disappointed. Telling me it wouldnt take all day, couldnt we do it really quickly and stuff, when really we had booked the day with the dolphins.

She loved her time in the theme parks. She was a real dare devil she went on all the big rides. We had such good fun. She could remember the previous time we had been, her dad had told her to wear a hat and stand as tall as she could so she was tall enough to go onto the rides. This time was no problem. she got wet on all the wet rides, screamed on all the mad rides and laughed on all the others.

The night before we went to see the dolphins we told her and she was delighted. She had a wonderful day, we all had a wonderful day.

She had also perfected the art of shopping and getting her dad and his wallet just at the right time, which is no mean feat. We had manicures and generally did all the things she wanted to do without making it obvious that was what we doing.

Yesterday when I was talking to Lottie I asked her forgiveness for her service. I told her that I know she doesnt like fuss or being the centre of attention but that her service is about her and bringing together her 18th and 21st and all those special occasions into one, and so lots of people will be attending to say - bye.

She will be the absolute focus for everyone. We have had some of her favorite pictures enlarged and we will be playing some of her fav songs.
Again father Tom has been great but I think even he will be surprised at the attendance.

What can I say? Where do I begin to tell people about Lotties service? It was something we had started to plan a couple of weeks ago. Mostly because I knew that there were things I needed, a pink coffin for one, songs which she loved and flowers with sparkle on them.

I dont want anyone to think that although we did plan early we ever lost hope because we didnt not for a second.

Lottie hasnt had many choices in the last 21 months but I tried to think what would she have wanted.

Everything went as planned yesterday. I asked Lottie to share some more of her brave with me and her dad one last time. I told her it only had to be for a couple of hours. She shared it with us in abundance as usual.

The church was full, family and friends, and people who just knew us. Friends of the three of us, as individuals and as a complete family.

My personal friend who has been a family friend for as long as I can remember was wonderful, all she had was one line left and she did it. I so wanted to get up and help her, she loved Lottie so much that she was one of the first in the queue volunteering for tasks little did she know......

Then Marie, who I have been friends with for the last 19years. Maries daughter Helen was murdered all those years ago and I was Maries family liaison officer. We became such good friends that when I returned to work after my maternity leave Marie looked after Lottie for me. (Yes I over stepped all the rules of a family liaison officer. So much so I went on to train others how not to do it. Marie attitude is - you were and have been there for me, now i want to be here for you.

The head Ian, from school said some lovely stuff about her. What we particulary love is the mischievous stories. These tales from the teachers and children introduce us to a wonderful side of our daughter that we never saw, the side parents dont see.

Sues eulogy was perfect. The reason we asked her to do it was obvious, next to us Sue knew our daughter best. Again she saw a side of her that we didnt experience. Although we had read it previously it made our hearts swell and brought smiles to our eyes and our mouths which although fleeting were genuine.

I love some of the messges from the childen who appreciated the colour of her coffin. Those that remembered her arriving in a pink limmo for her 10th birthday party last year. A wonderful time when Lottie was well.

Lotties flowers were of course pink, with sparkly jewels attached and sparkle sprayed all over them. Apparantly a passerby was confused when they saw us wearing pink roses for button holes, again covered in sparkle.

Ive never seen such a variety of pink clothing and never seen so many men wearing pink shirts.

We especially chose the reading by her Uncle John who did a wonderful job too. Its called She is gone:

You can shed a tear that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray
That ll she ll come back,
Or you can open them and see, all that she has left you.
Your heart can be empty because you cant see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow, and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow, because of yesterday.
You can remeber her and only tht she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memeory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you cando what Charlotte would want:

SMILE,BE HAPPY, OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE, LIVE LIFE AND GO ON.

We chose this because Lottie was such a positive little person, together with all her brave.

The songs are some of Charlottes favorites - chasing cars - is one that she sang to me whilst watching the ice dancing recently. That might not seem that impressive to you but she had lost most of her vocabulary at that time so it was amazing and made me cry. My heart will go on is from one of her three favourite films, Titanic. Her other films were Grease and West Side Story. One of her songs from West Side Story is Somewhere a place for us ......


It was a lovely sunny day for a lovely sunny girl........


12 weeks ago today (monday) we went out for the last time with Lottie. She loved to go for a drive and have a sleep in the car. We would stop somewhere and have lunch then drive back. She wasnt eating or talking very much then but it was a nice sunny day and she said she wanted to go out.

We went to Grassmere in the lakes and typical of Lottie (always thinking of someone else) she wanted to buy Auntie Sue some mint cake because she knew it was her fav. I happen to know she hasnt opened it and will probably keep it forever.

Lottie slept all the way there and back and when we got home she said Ive had a lovely day mum. Then back to her then position on the couch with me at the other end massaging her feet. (I really dont like feet but I loved Lotties. I could massage her feet for hours, which she loved.)

It would be Lotties 11th birthday on Sunday so we have decided to go back to Grassmere for the day. We have got a CD of lots of her fav songs, iwhich, we will play all the way there and back.

Charlotte has another name now thanks to our friends from our local. They bought her a star. Its Charlottes star in the constellation of Andromeda. Andromeda is the Latin word for Princess. We think its a lovely idea and cant wait to look for it. We have got a telescope because Charlotte had an interest in the glalaxy.

Today is a funny day Ive been preparing to give her favourite doll Marika together with a wardrobe of clothes to her friend Sam. This is a doll we bought from the internet last year at the end of her radiotherapy treatment. We bought it because she was so brave. We think its quite ugly but Lottie loved it. Sam her best friend got one too at the same time and they both played with them for hours, dressing, undressing and pushing them around in different prams. I decided that Lottie would love Sam to have it to continue to play with, rather than me just keeping it in the pram.

As soon as I arrived at Sams i realised that I had made the right decision about the doll. She hugged it and kissed it, she dressed and undressed it and when it was time for bed she put her p. j.s on her and cuddled her. Charlotte would have been pleased. We have agreed that when Sam goes on holiday I will look after Marika and that has made me feel better.


Hi my most gorgeous girl happy birthday, do you remember last year you had a birthday weekend. Your dad thought i had gone overboard little did he know. You had your friends around on saturday your birthday. We went swiming and to mcdonalds. Then you had a sleep over. I dont think anyone went to sweep til 4 then they were up at 10 to be at your party for 1pm. I had lots of surprises the biggest was the pink limo. You had a fab day with designing t shirts, you danced and sang the dj and at the end of the night you unwrapped presents with nat until you were tired and when you went to bed you told me you had a lovely time. Did you know then I dont know. I was so happy you were well and having a good time.

Goodnight my most gorgeous girl late today im going to do stuff in your honour, but you need to know much like we have been telling you forever you are our most love girl. We love you more than anyone or anything. Ive tried to light a candle but..... goodnight my most gorgeousxxxx

Hi gorgeous well what a day, once again you shared your -brave- . We went to Grasmere to that cafe bar. I had a prawn sandwich and dad had an omlette. I couldnt believe the size of the sandwhich and then I remembered yours. How I had to divide the bread and remove the salad for you. We wore pink ribbons which Auntie Sue and Emma made. We let a barbie balloon go into the sky towards you. I wore your pink star earrings which attracted several stares, you would have been proud of me.

When we came home we had some friends around for pink champagne. Joseph was looking for you! We all said a toast and even Alice, Amy and Jack were alowed to have a small drink.

Thats another day nearer to you, some where a place for us, hold my hand and I ll take you there......... xxxxxxxxx

Hi gorgeous, someone told us about a little girl called Brogan who also died on 19 May. She was 10 like you and had cancer. I hope you have found each other because you have so much in common. I think you could make so much mischief together!

The local newspaper did an article about you yesterday and it was all in pink. We said no when they first asked but changed our minds for lots of reasons, a couple were to do with the website and the charity.

It was a lovely article with a picture that we really like, that was taken when you went on the Duck with Sue last year. We hope all your friends will see it, as well as other people in St. Helens who you hadnt seen for a while. It was sad reading it though and it made us cry again. You d tell us off for embarassing you. xxxxxxx

Hi gorgeous, do you remember this time last year we went to centre parcs and met up with Pauline and Ged and all the gang, including chickens. We had a lovely time. We had bbqs, went swimming, went to shows which you loved and went pony trecking. You got mad with me a dad for dancing together at one of the shows because you thought we were an embarassment hey ho ...... I wish I wish I wish xxxxx

Hi gorgeous, Mr Wellens came to see us yesterday about our trophy. We thought it would be nice to have a Charlotte Baines award at Bleakhill. We thought we would like something for a child who had overcome a difficulty be it at home or school or whatever . He is fine with that and asked if we would like to present it your dad was very keen Im not too sure, anyway we now have to go and find one. We decided not to get one like the citizenship trophy you won last year which weighed a ton. Maybe you can help us choose it.

The other thing is an idea your class had. They want to set up a - quiet corner -, a place with a pink bench and pink pots for pink flowers with trellis all around, the - Charlotte Baines - corner. They asked if they could put some of their sponsership money towards it. We think this is a lovely idea and said they could put all their sponsership money towards it rather than give it to the charity. We have decided to donate your money we paid for your school trip towards it too.

He also gave us memory sheets which your class filled in. I read them to Auntie Sue (you know what she is like with her reading specs), and the comments are truly heart melting. What comes across loud and clear is how happy you were.. They all remembered your cheeky laugh and lots commented on how you never alowed anyone to be left out or isolated.You always made sure everyone was included in things. The other thing was how you hugged lots of boys , not sure what that was about!There were memories of tricks you played in particular on Mr. Holden, Mr. Wellens had mentioned some of these memories in your service he commented on how he was surprised you hadnt spent any time outisde his office as a result of your mischief.

All of these things whilst bringing a smile to our faces momentarily only go towards us asking that much asked and never answered question WHY?.............

Hi gorgeous, I know you probably know this but I want to share it anyway. Ive been out running with dad. You know how I used to run for miles but stopped recently. What I have decided is I have this stuff going on inside and I think if I run it will ease it. Actually it doesnt but anyway. ...

My time out running is all yours and mine. Not that all of my time isnt taken with thinking about you but there are no interuptions. Ive stopped taking music with me so we dont have any distractions.Dad took me around the local park and it is steeped with memories. Do you remember when you were learning to ride your bike, your first bike with stabilisers, (pink of course). We where on a bit of a slope and dad let you go and you ended up in the hedge. For a nano second we all held our breath when we realised you were ok we all laughed for ages. Infact we have laughed about that on several occasions. Then the time we taught you to sledge. Your dad was pulling you around on a tray outside, our neighbour took pity and gave us one of the sledges his kids had when they were growing up. We took you to the park which has a big hill ideal for sledging. We taught you to fall off safely on the way down the hill. At first you didnt go very far when you fell off in a controlled fashion. Until you decided you wanted to go fast and ended up once again in the hedge. Again more laughter. No tears which we might have expected, you never did cry much . That year we took Sophie Cotter to the panto with us. We always went to the panto you loved it.

We had a letter from Robert Turtons mum this week. He like so many others is sad. He was looking forward to seeing you again at the high school. Him and so many other from nursery like Jess. Im going to ask people if we can put some of our photos from nursery on your site. Photos with Robert and Jess and others.

Do you remeber when you came out of nursery if it wasnt raining you went on the swing and roundabout and see- saw. You and the others would shout - again, again - like true telly tubbies. Then you would run across the field to the wall and back again. Do you remeber Lucy I think she was a bit younger but she loved to do those things with Rachel and Sophie......

Oh Lottie, Lottie, Lottie xxx

hi my most gorgeous, all my memories of you are wonderful. i keep being reminded by people about how thoughtful and caring and loving you were. i did wonder if i was too strict if i didnt give you enough freedom all those things but you know ive thought and thought and thought about the negatives and if im honest i just keep coming up with positives. i know how much you love me and my love is undisputable for you and we both knew that.

Ive spoken to brogans mum today and we both conclude we are sad more sad than most people would ever understand but happy you are together, goodnight my gorgeous xxx


Hi gorgeous, I went to Gemini yesterday, how hard was that? Usually my first port of call in NEXT is your department. How sad was I not to be going in there. The last time I went there was to buy your outfit for your service. I remember when I got home your dad was amazed he couldnt believe what I had done. I explained that I was relatively sane then and had to do it. I wanted you to look gorgeous as usual. I look back now and cant believe it myself. But you where here then to share your - brave - with me. Now im all on my own without your - brave - .

We loved shopping so much didnt we. You would tell me how gorgeous I looked, and we never left a shop without clothes for you not ever. Accessories and make up were your other things. You had to have matching jewels (as we called them). Handbags were big in your world too As I walk around the house i find your handbags everywhere. Guess whats in them, either lipstick or gloss, eyemake up and -jewels -. With the odd packet of polo. I cant move any of them, just like i cantmove any of your things. Everything is as it was and will remain until i decide otherwise.

Ive kept your bedding with your lamb - bah bah - and smell them everyday, I love that smell i wish i could bottle it forever and ever. You know how for months before you got really ill and had a bed downstairs, you slept with me. I woke the other morning and for a nano second looked for you - whats that about my gorgeous. Then i remembered......

I went swimming today with autie chris and shelly. I dont know why other than they want to look after me. They were worried about which baths we went to because they thought I would be upset. I tell people i cannot possibly be more upset than i am. We went to Boundary Road and like everywhere I go and everything I do special memories came flooding back. This was the first pool you had swimming lessons in. You loved them you were like a fish. Always wanting to swim underwater, and diving.

I also remembered it was the last pool you swam in before being admitted into hospital after being diagnosed. It was the sunday and sam had come to play. We had spent all saturday together you both chose to go to see charlie and the chocolate factory, then to pizza hut. You both conspired to play all sunday too. If you remember your leg wasnt good on the sunday and your dad was panicking. You were being admitted into hospital on the monday anyway but he was really worried. I told him that i didnt care what happened you and sam wanted to go swimming so thats what we did. I was frightened but felt it was important for you and it was.When we got back we went into nats and you baked cakes. In the meantime your dad had contacted the hospital and they ordered you to be admitted. What a nightmare. Your dad wasnt very popular that day.

You didnt swim again for a long time. After having your - line - fitted for chemo you couldnt. Then when you started your radio therapy I kept asking for the line to be removed. I think they got so fed up that when your 6 weeks treatment finished they removed it. I only went on to them saying the removal of it would improve your quality of life, alowing you to swim and have showers instead of shallow baths, and it was just plain inconvenient for you.

I went on the computer this morning onto my blog. You wont know about this but Im a prolific note taker, which proved very important on several occasions during your illness. Anyway in November last year instead of writing about you and me i decided to keep a blog. Im so glad i did. There are all sorts of memories for me. Obvioulsy mostly not good but some good ones. Whilst i was reading it i felt you with me. I thought you touched my arm a couple of times, especially when i got upset - now lottie you know how skeptical i am about stuff like that so whats occuring? lottie lottie lottie...... xxx

Hi gorgeous, you know how I think and dream about you all of the time. Last night I dreamt about how you have always loved to play with dolls. When you were a toddler you had tons of barbie dolls who at the first opportunity were undressed and dressed again.

I dreamt of how you would put cushions on the floor for their beds, then cover them with t towels (for some reason it had to be t towels) and sit in between them and pat them asleep. You would do that for hours talking gobble de gook to them. How you loved polly pocket too. They went everywhere with us, france, spain, america - everywhere.

We still have most of those dolls, what was strange was in february when you were ill you got the barbies out of the cupboard and played with them. You lay them out on the floor and got clothes out for them. You couldnt dress them then your arm wasnt working at all, but you didnt want any help. You just seemed to want them around you. Ive commented on my blog about this because it was so unusual. You hardly spoke then so I have no idea what that was all about.....

Hi gorgeous, well its another day just remembering.... Im glad Auntie Marie has sorted her computer skills out. Yesterday I was telling you about my note taking. When you were born I was obsessed with being a good mum and getting it right. So much so I used to record your feeds, how mad was that. I would record times, how much you would drink, how long it took, poor Auntie Marie had to carry this on when I went back to work and she looked after you.

One of the photos Im going to get your dad to put on is one taken by Auntie Marie on the day you cut your first tooth. Its of the three of us and you are trying to show it off. You frightened Marie that day by biting into a pear with your new tooth.

The radio was on in the car earlier this week and - killing me softly - by the Fujis came on. This was in the charts when you were born and has always been one of my fav songs, from when Roberta Flack first sang it. More memories baby.....

We had a laugh last night with our friends (they are doing a wonderful job minding us for you) when Helen remided us about one of my - mad moments - . Again when a new mum I booked myself into all of the mother and baby type things in the area. I didnt find them particulary friendly and whilst out with you in the car one day saw a young woman with a pram like yours. She was walking not far from where we lived and I reasoned - she must be local. So i stopped and asked her if she would like to be friends. I had to tell her I wasnt really mad but that I had a young baby too and wanted to make friends with someone in the same position. She was lovely and did call a couple of times for coffee. Her daughter was callled sarah and was 2 weeks older than you, ive got a photo of you both and will get dad to included it too.

Ive been thinking a lot about when you were a baby. I remember your first word was - sheep - . You had just turned one and we where staying in a cottage in Betwse y Coed. From every window in the place we could see sheep, you loved them. Later that summer we stayed on a working farm in cornwall so that you could feed the animals. You had a wonderful time. You loved animals. That was a funny holiday because princess diana died while we where there and I cried, you didnt like that one bit. Little did i know then about me you and tears......

All our holdiays were punctuated by visiting farms, zoos, and aquariums. I cant remember how many performing dolphins and whales we have seen over the years. We have got lots of photos with you surrounded by various animals.

You always wanted a dog. I told you that because you were out all day at school it wouldnt be fair and it would be lonely. You were quite happy with that explanation and decided that a good idea would be for when i retire in 2 years time we could have a dog then and I could look after it. I remember thinking that wasnt your best idea, but you know lottie if things could be different you could have as many dogs as you like.........

Hi gorgeous, today is another one of -those - days isnt it, another first without you. Dad is pretending it isnt his first fathers day without you. He was never really interested always thought it was a money making scam. I love you so so much lottie xxx

Hi gorgeous, i kept being visited by ducks yesterday, how odd was that. We havnt had our usual visit at home this year. Do you remember that first year they laid their eggs under our juniper bush. You were about 6/7, we had 12 ducklings running about. You loved them, you were able to get really close and could feed them. We went out that day and dad had left the gate open by accident. They all left the garden for a nearby pond. You were so upset. It was the first time i could remember you crying because you sad. I explained that we would have had to let them go eventually. They came every year after that and you would feed them and play with them. Do you remember the one that died the year before last, the one with the wobbly leg that you and dad buried. Anyway they havnt been this year - whats that about, but yesterday everywhere i went i was surrounded by ducks.

Hi gorgeous, i cant describe how i feel without you. You used to say that you felt rubbish when you became more and more ill and one day you said you felt like poo - well guess what me too!

Im having lots of problems with the computer right now, nothing to do with you all to do with me.

Im selling my car soon, my cabriolet. The car you made me buy. There is a photo of you and Hannah in the back of it, i love it you look like sophia loren in your pink scarf and big gigs. Remember you used to make me drive you and your friends around with the roof down. We played hilary duff or corine bailey ray as loud as we could and you would all wave to passers by who would wave back. Well you know i was mrs ford fiesta and you put a stop to it well im buying another cabriolet just for you. There are a couple of reasons this one has to go, one of them is stuff around memeories. I love all of my memeories of you but i cant cope with this one it just reminds me so much of your radio therapy and clatterbridge. That was a really difficult time for you but you dealt with all in your usual lets get on style. I hated it so so much, i just found it so hard. All that mask business and everything......

I remember when they showed us the treatment room i felt physically sick. I just wanted to cry and run off. Not you though you said it looked like a phone which i suppose it did, how brave were you baby..........

The first time we went there was a sunny february day and we had the roof down, windows up and heater on full. You loved it. Our trips there and back to school were punctuated by you eating different things. Like when we got passed goodison you ate your crisps. you had a slush after your treatment and a muffin. when you were having your treatment they would say to me look you can watch her on the monitor but all i did was hide around the corner and cry. Little did we know that the 6 weeks of radio therapy gave us 6 more months with you being well. He said you might stay with us til you were 15, i remember being outraged at that but i would swap that right now....

Do you remember the lovely nurses. People looked at us oddly at first, clearly wondering why we would take you to such a place, until they realised that actually it was you having the treatment.

Do you remember all those lovely people who bought you presents. The lady who knew you could knit so wanted to teach you to crotchet. She bought you lovely pink wool, needle and bag with instructions. The other lady who would buy you chocolate and teddies. They were all lovely, you had so many presents on your last day we nearly couldnt fit them all in the car.

Oh my lottie, my special dearly loved and sorely missed lottie......

Hi my gorgeous, im sorted now with the computer, sorry i didnt send a candle last night but i could only access it, not add to it, but im ok now. Andrea went to see fame last night she loved the bit you loved at the end with the car. I was thinking about that last night and how you loved the theatre and watching shows. We saw lots together didnt we? i think your absolute fav was the beetle juice show in florida, fortunately you got to see that last year for the second time. You sang your little heart out to it.

I bought a beetle juice dvd for you when you became more ill. you loved watching dvds and you loved this one, the last time you watched it was on the big screen, we all watched it together with you falling in and out of sleep. One of your other fav dvds was mean girls i lost count of how many times you watched that.

Your top 3 were grease, titanic and west side story. i dont think i will ever watch these again.

You loved all the shows, i think my fav was the lion king. We got to see that more than most. Once in london, a couple of times in disney in america, a couple of times in disney in europe. although that last time in euro disney wasnt good. that was back in january when you started to get poorly. we thought it would be a good idea to go but you became really poorly quite quickly.you slept all the way through it and i just cried.

But we have seen lots, the king and i, beauty and the beast, grease that was another all time fav of yours. chitty chitty bang bang, joseph and lots of others. do you remember i took you with the school trip to see miss saigon. what a mistake that was.i had no idea what it was about, just thought we should go. noone told me anything about it and there we where watching the opening set which was about a brothel, people using language and stuff i was mortified and we left very quickly. that was a disastrous night, but as always you were - fine - about the whole thing.

- fine -, thats what you used to say every time anyone asked you how you were. you did get asked a lot, i look back and think how unatural that was to be asking a 9 then 10 year old how they were. you said - fine - , so whenever anyone asked me i said i was - fine - too, but i never was. only around you, only to keep your world - normal - whatever that was.

Hi my gorgeous, another long and lonley day without you, which must mean another day nearer to being with you.

I was talking yeserday about your love of the theatre, what i didnt say was not only did you love watching shows, you also loved performing in them.

Every year you and your group from the Eccleston school of dancing would perform at the St Helens theatre.

You have been dressed as all sorts, a sunflower, a clown, whatever it was you always looked fantastic. The costumes were always so so colourful. I would march round to Evelyns every year and ask her to make the costumes because i was hopless. She did a wonderful job, turning you into whatever the theme was for that year.

You also loved the excuse (not that you needed one) to wear stage make up. The bolder and brighter the better.

I would pack you off with a bag full of goodies to eat whilst waiting for your turn back stage, and i would go off and watch the shows. I always went to both shows because i loved the opportunity to see you performing on stage.

When you werent practising for those performances you were always making up routines with your friends for me and whoever else would watch.

You loved - performing - you were always really good at charades very creative. Do you remember playing - my spy - when you were younger. You would say things like - something begining with - t - and it would be car or something not begining with t, it didnt matter though did it. You like to speak in different accents, American was your fav, you and Sam would talk for hours in these strange accents, I always thought of you as a drama queen and I thought you were destined for the stage..... I miss you so so much my performing angel..... so so much xxx

Hi gorgeous ive had a sad day, can you believe more sad than the others, but actually thats what is happening. I miss you more every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

We went out to look for a trophy today, we took auntie sue. I decided that i wanted something to do with dolphins. Mostly because you love dolphins and we bought you a share in one - stardust - for christmas, and because i think most children like dolphins. We found all sorts of animals mostly elephants. But we have seen fish and dolphin shaped things and so we are emailing a company. It was so difficult walking around the trafford centre without you. We all knew your fav shops, shops with smells at the top of the list was lush. Then the pier and others which you always bought something in, we all looked at claires wishing they had something but all knowing better.

Oh lottie, lottie, lottie somewhere a place for us, hold my hand and i ll take you there...... i have a journey - song which is one of my favs and the lyrics are - if i should die before i wake, i go into the night whispering your name............ xxx

Hi gorgeous, another bad day for me but one nearer to you...

Guess what I just found, your mothers day cards that you bought and made last year. I cant tell you how that made me feel. Im going to have them laminated. Why did I keep them? I havent kept any other cards from you except this years valentines card which Emma helped you with. Im so glad I didkeep them.There is an A4 sheet on which you stuck pictures and at the bottom you have written - hand made by Charlotte Baines - . Finding them was one of those heart melting moments.

I remember the other things you made and bought me which I have of course kept. A single red rose, two sunflowers (made of plastic). On one of those I have attached your pink ribbons, a jewlelery box (which I will treasure for ever), PJs and some flowers.

You liked making things, you were always drawing and painting things. Ive kept lots of your pictures some I have had framed, one I used to keep in my office at work.

One of the flowers Anutie Judith bought you has blossomed. So too has one of my Charlotte Roses. Auntie Judiths flower is white and your rose is a lovely shade of yellow. I know we always think of you as pink, but you looked lovely in yellow too. Just to prove it look at your outfit you wore for your duck/bus trip with Auntie Sue, that was one of your favs and what colour are we talking about yellow and lime.

Dad went out this afternoon and found a dolphin for your trophy/award stuff. He is going to varnish it and we need to put some information on it, not sure how because the bottom is a funny shape but we will think of something. That means it will be available to be presented this year, rather than wait til next year, which lots of people will be glad about.

I love you baby, but then you know that dont you....... xxx

Hi gorgeous, Ive just been thinking about you and the telly. You were a real telly addict. I had a little smile to myself because i remembered about how strict I was about which programmes you were allowed to watch. Do you remember I wouldnt let you watch the Simms cos i thought it was inappropriate. Two Christmases ago at school you were being allowed to watch a dvd and the dvd was the Simms, you put your hand up and told your teacher that you werent allowed to watch it. Sam told Sue who told me and from then on i said you could. I felt really bad about that because obviously everyone else in class had been allowed to watch it - hey ho.... now i would let you watch anything.

You had a set programme when you started to become more ill. It was Disney in the mornings - you loved thats so raven, lizzie magurie, and hannah montanah, CBBC in the afternoons - your favourite was the chuckle brothers and roar and Tracy Beaker. I think you liked Tracy Beaker becase she was naughty.From 5pm it was Channel 4 Paul Ogrady and the Simpsons and then Hollyoaks, then emmerdale, corry and eastenders followed by your absolute fav the bill. You also liked casualty - how bizarre.

We used to watch those shows with you, all day everyday, we would move your bed around so you could see the telly properly from whichever position you were in.

This was triggered off tonight by another of your fav programmes which i did think was sometimes a bit inapproapriate but then decided i didnt care was my family.

The nurses used to laugh when they came because they started to get used to what was on the telly.

Oh my lottie i would watch those programmes with you forever and ever if i had a choice........ xxx


Hi my most gorgeous girl, we have been to helens tonight to wish her happy birthday. Do you remember last year when you were well my baby and helen had a 40th party. Colin did our hair and you looked fab, you even danced with me and i loved that dance more than any other dance in my life. It was around that time that we embarrased you so how privelaged was i. I made you leave early but only because you had physio the next morning and you were tired even though you didnt want to be. You know i look around and see you everywhere and i miss you so so much, xxx

Hi gorgeous, do you know I think about all sorts of things, one of them was how you mispronounced words and my all time fav is denim. You always pronounced it as demin, I wouldnt let anyone correct you even though people did try.

I went to bed dreaming about you and Helens party last year. You had a great time. You chose your dress (green crinkly, shiny one), your own make up - green eye shadow to match of course, bright red lipstick and big jewels, and sparkly shoes.

There is a photo on here with you and Alice and Jack and the twins Hannah and Ellie. Do you remember you had your own stage to dance on. You all ran around, danced, sang and laughed so much that night. You were so well, and even though you complained about leaving before anyone else you had fallen asleep before we had left the car park.

I was also thinking about when you and Jack decided you would marry each other when you were older. It was a very matter of fact statement, not much romance but that was ok.

Then a couple of years later on holiday you dumped each other, again in a very matter of fact way. You remained friends of course and any idea of choosing hats for me and Andrea was cancelled - just like that.

Hi gorgeous, I had a million dreams about you last night....where do I start.....I know that you know the reds won at sports last week. What you might have missed is some of your red team mates carrying a banner with your name on it. Apparantly the reds havent won for as long as anyone can remember and Mr Holden told people that they won cos you where there tripping up the the greens.

I remember sports day and seeing you in the tug of war, which made me laugh because you were so slight, im not sure why they chose you other than your determination to do well.

You were a live wire, never still for a minute. You had just been accepted for gymnastics the week after you were diagnosed, I didnt tell you, I didnt want to upset you any more than you probably already were. That would have been right up your street toss tailing over everywhere, cartwheels til your heart was content, but it wasnt to be was it my gorgeous.

Ive just been looking at the fridge and looking at all of your pics and they made me smile.

As well as the pics, I smiled partly because of the animal stuff on there, your Auntie Judith and Matt bought you shares in a goat in Africa, we bought your shares in a dolphin called Stardance and some shares in a donkey (the name of which escapes me right now), what was all that about!

Someone asked me the other day if I let you watch the Simms dvd at school, I obviously didnt make it clear but yes I did let you, I couldnt let you be left out of anything now could I.

Your year have gone off on the school trip today, which means Im back minding Marika your fav doll. Sam gave her to Auntie Sue last night its my job to take good care of her til Sam gets back, what a responsibility!

Oh lottie lottie lottie, (the rest you know)..... xxx

I was thinking earlier about the little things we did when you became more poorly when you had taken your place on the couch at one end and me minding your feet at the other. We would play dens which was simply me and you hiding both our faces opposite to each other behind our hands. We would whisper i wuv you all the way to the moon and back, this would go on and on and you would laugh and laugh. You called it our den. Then we would kiss our index fingers and put them together. You had me massage your feet and head for hours. Yours are the only feet I would ever have anything to do with.

I was your very own manacurist, you had the most gorgeous nails which lots of people commented on, both fingers and feet. You loved bright colours (of course) and especially liked two colours for alternate nails. You were a funny minx with your own style... i love you baby xxx

Hi my gorgeous girl, Ive been thinking about all sorts again. I was thinking a lot about X Factor, and how we went to see it with Alice, Amy and Jack.

Helen got us fab seats right at the front but yu lot didnt need them because you sang danced and swayed on the seats throughout the whole of the concert we all had a great time.

I bought you the Chico CD and we had to listen to it all the way there and all the way back. Chico time wasnt really my type of music but guess what - it is now.

I bought you a chico t shirt and you wore it all night over your clothes, you must have been boiling.

Do you remember calling yourself mrs chico on your computer well dad has put it on the lap top and every time i use it, it goes straight to that.

Do you remember that series of X Factor you loved Brenda, when she went out you said you didnt think you could watch it again you were so upset, I cried because she went out and got one of those - oh mum, speeches and rolling of the eyes.

We always went to Helens to watch the final and had a great time cos we all wanted different people to win, Amy always wanted shane to win and she got her wish didnt she.

Me and Andrea sang along with Andy to me and mrs jones which got me another speech and more eyes. Im not sure why, I think its because others dont think Im very tuneful.

We always had a laugh on those nights didnt we, until the last one last year when you were so so tired, we left before the end, but I wont focus on that.

Hi gorgeous me again, well me still really..... im looking after marika infact she is on my knee as i type! I gave her lots of cuddles and kisses yesterday not as well as you would have but i did my best. im cuddling her now, but im sure im not as good as her new minder. She looks lovely, she is wearing a white t shirt with pink and lilac flowers, and a lovely pink track suit - you would approve ......

I watched a dvd of you yesterday. It was from a month before you were born (5 may, we called you junior) to when you were 7 months old. It made me, cry, laugh, smile and wish......

It also made me realise that you had a bath almost every day of your life-how dirty did i think you were.

In lots of the clips your dad said things like - wait until we show this to your friends when you are 16 or 18 or at your 21st, that made him cry yesterday...... it made us both cry actually.

It showed you doing all sorts of tricks as you might imagine, and it showed sam who was our golden retriever dog who would sit by your side constantly and lick your feet. Poor sam died of old age a couple of months after you were born, but he like everyone else loved you and wanted to protect you......

I just needed to remind you about curly hair. How you always wanted curly hair. We did all sorts to it but because it was so long and thick and heavy the curls never stayed for long.

When you found out you might lose your hair during chemo you made your own decision to have your hair cut. Quite grown up you were about it too because you had it cut in stages into different length bobs, which got shorter and shorter. In feb 2006 you where going to the school disco and had started radio therapy. You had lost some hair during chemo - quite a lot actually but because it was so thick and because we quickly realised the chemo wasnt working you didnt lose as much as they expected. Anyway I spoke to the hairdresser and told her about your radio therapy and about your desire for curls and she was wonderful with you. When you finished you had the most wonderful curly hair you were almost unrecognisable.

As well as the curls I had taken you and sam for new outfits for the disco. You both had a ball choosing things, trying them on, rejecting them, and sending me for more stuff. I remember you in the changing rooms for ages having a real laugh.

You looked so fab that night (of course), mrs t took a picture of you which i found today in your school folder. I love that picture, but then i love all your pictures dont i ......

Morning my gorgous girl, Ive checked on marika, she is still resting on one of your many eeyore pillows. You love eeyore best of all the pooh characters.When you were younger its was piglet who was your fav but more recently it changed. You have got all sorts of eeyore stuff a dressing gown (which i smell regularly), nightie, bags, purses, key rings, pencil cases oh the list goes on.

When I potted your charlotte roses, I bought two sparkly butterflies on long stems to plant in the pots too. One pink the other lilac. When the sun catches them they look like diamonds. I also bought an eeyore figure to put by the water feature. I bought it for a couple of reasons but one is because its looking up to the sky, (at you) and because it has a ladybird on its nose.

I remember you dressed as a ladybird when you where at nursery. There are photos of you on here. You got a bit bothered because you all had balloons and they kept blowing away. So I attached yours to your wrist and you loved it. You ran around laughing with it blowing. You were a smiley, laughing kinda kid really.

The dvd we watched earlier this week proved that. Im sure the same will be true of the others we watch when we build ourselves up to it.

Im trying to do positive lottie, I keep thinking about how positive you were. Thats why I put those words on your candle last night, from your service. Saying it is one thing, living it is another.

I keep thinking about those early days when you were first diagnosed. Talk about roller coaster. I remember we had to learn a new language and translate for you, translate into less scary language - it all terrified me.

I remember the night we explained to you about the tumour and treatment, and what it all meant. Other people wanted to tell you but that was our job as far as i was concerned. They gave us a book to help. It was called mary has a tumour. It was actualy very good, well written by children for children. We had both read it and thought it was ok. Then i asked if you wanted to read it with us or on your own. I was so desperate for you to say you wanted to read it with us, but i was also aware of the lack of choice you had about things now, all sorts of things really and wanted in whatever small way we could to give you some choices.

You chose to read it with us which was such a relief. At the end you said it says in here ive got cancer, people die from cancer . I was crestfallen, devasted all those things. We had both read it and neither of us had picked up on that word. I told you that was why you were having the treatment called chemotherapy so that you wouldnt die. A short time after martin kemp from spandau ballet was on advertising furniture and i told you he had had a brain tumour, what i didn tell you was he had surgery you couldnt because of the position of the tumour in your brain.

Professionals have told me that your werent in any pain, Im not sure they always know what they are talking about. For me from the moment we had to tell you, you suffered, and who wouldnt have, i did, we did and we didnt have it.

It was that night when you told us you just wanted to get on with this thing without any fuss. You said that you would do whatever you had to but you didnt what any fuss from us or anyone, thats when I saw just how positive and how brave you truly were. I hope we didnt make any fuss baby.......


Hi my gorgeous, whats on the menu today? well i thought i could either hang around feeling helpless or go for a run with you - no competition really....

While we were running we decided what we would talk about and we chose menus.

I know you played menus with lots of people but i remember one night in particular when john and andrea were visiting and you and jack decided to take our orders. It was indian of course which caused much merriment - fortunately we rang the order through to the take away. When it arrived you and jack waited on. You had t towels over your arms and you served us our food with impecible skill.

The only thing was when it came to tidying away and washing up neither of you could be found.....

Do you remember how you loved laying the table with me. I was never very good at it, your dad was always going round turning knives the other way and moving things - i didnt really care but you did. You liked to get it right!

I was thinking as well about how you liked to adhere to rules - i think i know how that came about but it used to make us laugh.....

Things like you not allowing us off the driveway without wearing our seat belts. Taking your - proper - turn and queueing properly.

I remember last year on holiday we went on the ET ride. As you enter the ride you have to give your name in for - passport purposes - . Me and your dad gave different names in and you were really annoyed with us. I dont think you spoke to us the whole way round. It was funny but for you it just wasnt right! You know i can picture that whole scene the ride and everything as if where yesterday.....

Hi my most gorgeous, i miss you more and more. I still think you could walk in, especially with your year being away this week with school...

Anyway im taking marika back to sams tonight. Ive looked after her this week but not anything like as well as you would.

Im getting my hair cut today. Thats yet another - deal - for me isnt it. Whenever i had it cut you would always say in your most dramatic voice -oh mum you look beautiful -, you were so sincere, no one will ever say that to me in that way ever again......

You loved colin coming because he would encourage you to have highlights and stuff. Not that you ever needed any encouragement, but i always thought that in years to come i would have my work cut out with you two, i imagined you with all sorts of colours and styles, if only hey gorgeous.....

I managed a couple more hurdles yesterday. I closed your account, not that you knew you had one, but i didnt want it anymore. I also threw away your cereals. You had a whole cupboard to yourself. When you would say i like those I would just buy them. If it meant yu ate something i didnt care what it was. You did like your cereals. Ready brek was a constant favourite but you had lots of others in between. Crunchy nut, sugar puffs, rice crispies and anything chocolate too. I stopped counting boxes at 7, i just put them all in the bin.

You were so funny about food. You ate like a sparrow for years. Then you went on steroids and you were a different child. You ate everything infront of you and anyone else.

I remember one of your fav foods we called shepherds pie without the shepherds'. It was basically mince and mash with my special ingredients. You loved it, with beetroot. I remember giving you a plateful and you asking if there was any left, you hadnt even tasted it - such was the power of the steroid.

You love beans on toast with cheese on top and jackets with the same filling, strawberry cheescake and milk shakes. Your dad made you the best milkshakes every day for months.

I miss you so much lottie, so very very much xxx

Hey lottie colins here he just reminded me about those highlights. He reminded me how you both bullied me into letting you have them done. He persuaded me that he would only do about three and you ended up with six - what was that about. Hes just looked at your site and is sad now, ill go and cheer him up, catch you later.....

Hi gorgeous, well marika is firmly back in good hands, i took her back to sams last night. You should see her new pram, i wont spoil it by telling you all about because sam is going to put photos on here for you but you will love it.

Me and auntie sue are mindingeach other today, emma has gone off to london for her friends hen party.

I was in your room the other day just looking at your things. One of the things i used to dislike was your pink flip phone. I only disliked it because it signified your illness. We got it for you when you first came out of hospital. You loved it. All your friends thought it was really cool. You put photos of lills and wills and joseph and all sorts of people on it. You were funny about texting, lots of people would text you and if you couldnt be bothered you just didnt reply. I had to explain to people that you werent interested in the finer art of communication - like replying to text messages.

I have got some lovely text messages on my phone from you, only simple ones telling me how much you love me and stuff. I should have made more use of that but i didnt. I never allowed myself to think about the inevitable so didnt place any importance on things like that.Ive got some lovely photos of you on it too, but again didnt think to make more use of it hey ho.

Ive found your t shirt too, the one from you birthday party last year, which you decorated. Im going to get your dad to take a photo of it and put it on here. Just because it made me smile when i saw it, it reminds me of a much much happier time. Loving you as always with all of my body and soul xxx

Hi gorgeous, i love you so much baby, but i miss you much more. I got your dad to put more photos on yesterday. Some are with your nursery friends, robert, julia, sam, jessica, richard, Lucy, rachael, sophie, ellie and so many more…..

You loved nursery, I never had any problems with leaving you there. I was lucky to get you in I rang on the off chance never expecting them to say yes. That day a woman who had her little boy the same age as you booked in rang to say she was having another baby and decided not to take up the place.

You were fortunate to be with a group who all started around the same time and who were all similar in age. We used to be able to hire the hall at weekends for parties. It was ideal because you were so familiar with it, you all played from when you arrived until you left. We used to sit on those low chairs at the low tables to watch the entertainer, and then eat jellies and cakes afterwards. There were so many of you it felt like we partied every weekend. They were such happy times.

These photos are of your last day out together (literally). I organised a trip to Gulliver’s world before you all started in your new primary schools. The idea was you would all meet again in September this year at the high school…..

You all had a wonderful time on this day, there were medals awarded and lots of ice cream. Faces painted and the sun shone all day. There are photos of you with Robert turton your co mischief-maker. You loved Robert and all the tricks you got up to. I’ve given him his full title because you always did.

I’m going to get dad to put your ‘graduation’ photo on. The one Suzanne jess’s mum arranged.

I got dad to put the photo of your t-shirt on. The one you printed at your party last year. Its another of those heart melting photos, because you had such a lovely day. You were so well and so full of energy. I remember your friends asking if I would put make up on them like I did you. The three of you sat in the conservatory deciding on colours and then were duly made up by me. I remember everything about that day. Colin did your hair perfectly you had all of your new clothes laid out on your bed. You were so excited.

Then when the limo arrived you were delighted. Emma called so that she could look after you and your friends en route to your party in it. I didn’t think you would want me there it would have cramped your style.

Then when you got to Bishop Road for your party lots of people wanted their picture taken with the limo, it looked so cool.

Pauline and Sheila did a fab b b q for you and the DJ and everything were perfect.

You printed on your t-shirt your then initials C E B OR Lottie, when I found the t-shirt it made me smile. All of these memories now are making me cry, but that’s ok because it was a very special day.

My absolute favourite picture is of my scarf. This scarf was knitted by your fair hands (and several others). It was a labour of love, you spent hours and hours knitting it. When it arrived wrapped up for me at Christmas I was over joyed. I will treasure this as my best ever Christmas present. It meant so much to you because there were times when your wobbly arm and hand wouldn’t allow you to knit so considering all you went through it is beautiful. It means more to me than you will ever know.

John and Andrea are doing a good job looking after us. We went (again) last night and at one stage were talking to Joseph and jack. Jack was telling us about his intention to work at 2 jobs when he gets older, one at the tip the other at the cinema, it made us laugh and I told them of your ‘ambition’ to fold clothes in Next and that made them laugh.

I read Joseph a story last night. It was strange really so many memories came flooding back. I used to read to you all of the time. Until you could read then we would share you sometimes reading with me listening then the other way around. You always read with such a dramatic voice. You used to read to your imaginary friends when you played teacher. You would read out the class list and woe betide anyone who didn’t answer properly. I used to laugh at you and tell you I thought you were too shouty for a teacher but you weren’t bothered.

The first books you had you were very young. They were very small and solid to withstand chewing and throwing. One set were Noddy stories and the first one started ‘it’s a nice sunny day noddy’s off to the farm’. Whenever it was a sunny day we used to repeat that right up until recently. It used to make us laugh.

You had lots of books over the years, but I remember certain ones as your favourites, one about a smelly wart hog, and another which repeated ‘you cant go over it you cant go under it, oh no you’ve got to go through it’. I’ve just remembered that was called ‘im going on a bear hunt’. We gave lots to the hospital last year because they were in such good condition. My all time fav was the one about the hare and I think it was called ‘guess how much I love you’. They said they loved each other to the moon and back – that was us wasn’t it baby – all the way to the moon and back, and back……

We took Auntie Sue out for lunch yesterday. As usual we talked about you. We smiled about your love of vegetables. How you thought things like sprouts, parsnips, broccoli and all sorts of veg were delicious. However not peas, peas always got the thumbs down. One of your fav meals was a roast dinner, with pork and apple sauce, especially when you were on steroids because you got to eat it all.

Hi gorgeous, well they sorted the site out apparantly i had run out of space but we are ok now. You wont believe what happened today, i went to buy the book tokens to go with the charlotte baines award, and there were book marks on sale one said guess how much i love you, with pictures of the mummy and baby hares - it was our story so of course i had to buy it.

It was a lovely book shop you would have loved it, i dont know why we didnt go there with you.

People are being so lovely, the man who is going to french polish your trophy said he would only do it for no charge. Some more people are doing work on your quiet corner - no charge.

I watched a lot of the Princess Diana concert yesterday. You would have really enjoyed it. They sang Joseph with lee the new one and two of the older ones donny osmond and jason donovan. You never did get to see the winner did you gorgeous. We enjoyed that competition on telly didnt we. We saw joseph a couple of years ago with stephen gately starring in it, you really enjoyed that. The show yesterday made me cry because there were lots of parts of it when i thought - charlotte would have loved that. You would have liked P Daddy singing missing you, i dont think you would have liked elton john - he wasnt your cup of tea.

Hi gorgeous, another day hey ho! your other roses have blossomed they look fab. I was looking through some boxes of my stuff from work yesterday and i found that rose you bought for me. I kept it in its container and i m so glad now that i did, it still looks exactly the same as when you bought it (including price), to me its now priceless along with lots of other gifts from you.

You were so generous lottie with everything, you shared your love so easily with people, i think thats why some people remember you so well. Yo used to be really careful with money, until you realised that you could negotiate with us, i know i was a push over i think your dad was a bit more difficult. We both had different ways of teaching you the value of money his way was to teach you not to spend it - you very quickly got round that though.

All of your shopping trips with him becamed punctuated with trips to shoe shops. So when he was in morrisons you went into the shoe shop attaced - just for a look you would say - as if. How many times did you come home with what i would describe as bad shoes/boots. Your dad would say - well thats what she wanted -, i would be mad and say - no your the adult . We always ended up laughing because they were usually pretty awful shoes/boots. Most of the time you couldnt walk in them.......

I always tried to buy you - sensible shoes, - always from clarkes and always fitted - not nearly as much fun im sure!

You and your dad liked - bargain - shops those where everything costs a pound . Not me and you though oh no we had to spend all my money or none at all, but we enjoyed it so who cares....

As always gorgeous ive been thinking about you all day.I went for a run before and our time together then is far more intense. I saw some of your friends playing out and as always i thought - lottie should be with them. Anyway whilst i was out running i was thinking about tomorrow and the fact that im going into work for a while. So i started to think about all the brave things that you have done and how i should take a leaf out of your book. Not just stuff around your illness because you were incredible throughout that time.

Three years ago we went to florida and I remembered the time you went jet skying with your dad, some might say thats not that brave but the waves were quite big and you were only 7 yrs old. If you remember whilst you did that i had the great idea that we could go para gliding. Without realising i picked the boat that glided highest in the area. As we got higher and higher it got quieter and quieter til all you could hear was the creak from the harness.

I became more and more terrified as you pointed and shouted things like - mummy theres a turtle, look theres some dolphins, in the sea. I was speaking between gritted teeth saying - hold on, hold on. You laughed and laughed and reasured me how safe it all was, and what fun it all was. I didnt feel safe until we where back on dry land. All i could think was how could i be so irresponsible to take my most valued person in the world on something so dangerous.You loved it and wanted to go up again. I think it was the scarriest thing ive ever done, until now.

Ive got a lovely new pen, bought in your honour, its a cross pen and its got pink flowers on it, it was an absolute must. Im going to wear your ear rings that auntie sue bought you, the opal and diamond ones. I know you would have liked me to wear them and auntie sue thinks its a good idea. Ive got my pink swatch watch, and lots of your photos. Its something i have to do baby, it wont stop me thinking about you, but it might stop me from going crazy..... i love you, love you, love you, but miss you more each long day xxx

Hi gorgeous, well today is another day, another day nearer to you and another day of hurdles for me. Quite a big hurdle really. As well as all those other things i forgot to mention my locket. Again bought only with you in mind, its a heart shaped locket with pictures of you inside, so i will be wearing that today and ive put a guardian angel on my bag. How sorted am i going to be today!

I was thinking last night about your first day at school. You only went in half day but you were so excited. We had been practising you getting yourself dressed and undressed as quickly as you could - which was funny. Funny partly because you didnt like seems on things in particular your socks. So they had to be just so or they came off and went back on again. We also had to practise with you carrying a tray with food on. That was funny too, but because you liked waiting on, you thought it was fab. Im not too sure what you thought when you got to school, you were so excited. Im not too sure if it ever lived up to your expectations. Only because when i asked you about it which was every day you always said cant remember. You seemed to enjoy going so i didnt mind that you didnt want to share it with me. I did really but it was something i came to accept.

It was such a huge adventure for you, not only were you starting school but starting at sues too, and we all know what you thought of that .....

Hi my gorgeous, ive had a strange day. Going back to work for some hours. I knew that it would be hard for the people i work with, but the message i got which i knew really was you are amongst friends.I got some nice hugs from some very nice people. I was amongst friends and it was ok. I had my moments but everyone knows that will happen, i love you so much how can it not. As you know i used to have my own office and had all sorts of your stuff around me. Framed pictures you had painted, pictures from one of our indian dos all sorts. Now i have to share, but i know if i ask people if i can put your stuff up they wont say no.

Ive been out with john and andy tonight and they have really looked after me. They let me talk lots about you, and like lots of my friends they have their memories too which i love.

I miss you so much my gorgeous, i really, really do, i want to say things like take care, be safe, because your not with me but thats daft isnt it... i just want to look after you baby, thats my job and now i havnt got one ....

Hi gorgeous, i was telling john and andy last night about the new car ive ordered. They think it sounds fab and both of them said - she would love it -. We had a toast to you last night, john with his orange cordial, andy with his sparkling water and me with - yes red wine.

Your trophy has been french polished and looks fab. Im going to get your dad to put a photo of it on here today. A very special person will be awarded it today at assembly.(cant say who that is right now its a surprise but you will approve of that there is no doubt). We got some gift vouchers for them too, and will do that every year.

We have also decided that we are going to get a bigger trophy so instead of one dolphin there will be two, and leave it in the school display cabinet. (it was andreas idea to do that). We are going to have a frame next to it with a picture of you and lots of info about you and how the trophy came about. We thought it would be nice to have something in school all of the time, as well as the individual trophy. I just dont want anyone to forget about you my gorgeous girl.....

Mr wellens asked if me or dad wanted to present it but that would be just too hard this time around, maybe next year.

Im not going into work today, theyve said i dont have to go in everyday, infact they have pretty much said do whatever you want....


Hi gorgeous, i know you know about your award now. Its just been presented to sam your bestest friend, mrs t just sent me a text saying she was really composed. It made me cry and i wasnt even there.....

Hi my most gorgeous, ive been to lunch with auntie marie. We did that - filling up - business that we do when we talk about you or helen. Helen would have been 42 this month which i find amazing. Im sure she is looking after you, showing you the ropes and trying to keep you out of mischief.

When we went for our run before i was thinking about ducks. I know ive spoken about them before, but i am surprised that they didnt come this year. I suppose you could read something into that, that led me on to think about the time there was the duckling with the wobbly leg. Auntie sue brought some of her team around to show them the ducks and you named the one with the wobbly leg wilbert. I was just thinking about your -line - that was fitted in your chest for your chemo. I remembered that the nurses called that a wilbur and i just thought how unusual but similar those names are - i suppose someone else would say they are as different as john and jane but it just made me think. Maybe thats why i had to go back to work, already going mad just didnt realise.

Im missing you so much baby, so very, very much.......

Hi gorgeous, ive just seen some people on a camel on the telly and it reminded me about the time when you and dad went on one in tenerife. You both disliked it a lot, i thought it looked ok but you said it was really uncomfortable - hey ho! I think it was the same holiday when we went on a boat to see dolphins. The boat hit a big wave and one after the other everyone got se sick. It was awful, there was no escape everyone wass ill. You were so good but then low and behold you were sick quickly followed by me. The boat quickly turned back and we all got off without seeing anything except people looking a bit green! I felt so guilty, here you were on holiday supposed to be having a good time......

Everything reminds me of you lottie, everything......

Hi gorgeous, bleakhill will be looking pretty in pink today. Mrs t just sent me a picture of a very beautiful young girl wearing a beautiful t shirt with you on the front - how gorgeous is that!

I know lots of girls like pink, but it really was your colour wasnt it. I remember when you stayed over at hannahs once to go to the Next sale on the saturday. You were up at the crack of dawn and off you went. When you came back you and hannah did a fashion show for me. You had chosen everything yourself and it was all pink. T shirts, skirts, trousers and espedrills all in pink. You didnt even realise it, it was just your colour. You both dressed and undressed, did the catwalk stuff, had a laugh at each other -parading - then went off to learn a dance routine to match your new outfits. I remember being terrified when i saw the espedrills they seemed so high. You had the problems with your leg then and i remember thinking - how on earth is she going to walk in those -, but you managed not for long or very far but you were determined that these things werent going to get the better of you........

Hi gorgeous, i know you will love the photos that mrs t has put on and i know you have loved today at school (you know snow patrol has just come on the radio whats that about!).

Ive had a friend here today who you dont know, she is called Pauline. Her husband died 7yrs ago and he was my very good friend (that was one of his sayings) at work called - lippy -. He had another saying which was all his very own.Whenever you asked him how he was he would say in the pink. I would describe lippy as being - larger than life -. He was as pauline described him here a - big hairy man - . He had so much charisma, everyone loved lippy. We both asked him to look after you and im sure he is, he would have loved today at school too - it being in the pink and all!

Hi my most gorgeous, you know lottie i clearly know how very special you were/are and always will be.... but since you died ive come across a huge amount of people who think you are very special too.Even people who have never met you, people who dont know you. People who say they have got to know you through your site. So many people who love you and i just think of what you had to offer this world. I know in your short time you experienced, you gave and shared so much of yourself, but how much more of a contribution could you have made, what more you had to give ........... xxx


Hi gorgeous, saturdays are strange days for me. At one time they would have been filled with swimming and dancing, another time shopping and anything you wanted to do, anything......

Im off to work today for an hour to put stuff on my desk while no one else is there. Ive got lots of things you bought me and made for me that i want to be there for when i go in next week... shall we go for a run......


Hi my most gorgeous girl, one of the most important things i have from you is that cube shaped object which is covered in green shiny wrapping paper with a gold shiny bow wrapped all the way around. You made it in nursery and i have always kept it on my desk and on it is written

This is a very special gift
That you can never see
The reason its so special is
Its just for you from me.

Whenever you are lonely
Or even feeling blue
You only have to hold this gift
And you know I think of you.

You never can unwrap it
Please leave the ribbon tied
Just hold the box close to your heart
Its filed with love inside...........

Hi gorgeous, well ive been, it wasnt easy but its done now. Ive put your photo the one thats part of the Indian collage on my window and your painting of a contempory cat is next to it. They made me tearful. I put your other things the rose and the cube and all the other things you bought for me are on my desk. My desk is so full of love you wouldnt believe it....

Ive bought another - cross - pen, a pink one, people will think im mad but you know i dont care.

Hi gorgeous, saturdays are strange days, but so too are sundays. Sunday would be another day of doing whatever you wanted to do. You know i miss silly things like polishing mine and your shoes on a sunday night. Its something i havnt done for a very long time but i still miss it. I supose from this week i will only polish mine and i wont want that will i.

Dad saw - robert turton - with his parents yesterday and that made him sad. We both had a particularly sad day yesterday for different reasons.

Its raining again for st julies gala day. I say again because it rained last year too. We only went for a short time, it was very miserable. Then i took you and hannah to see - pirates of the carribean. You both really enjoyed it. Although some of it was watched through open/closed fingers, there were a couple of sharp intakes of breath and some laughing too.

You loved going to the pictures, its sad because there are so many films on at the moment which you would have wanted to see. With your big bag of sweets, ice cream or popcorn and your huge drink.

When i took you and a friend you always liked to sit in front or behind me and pretend you were on your own. I always fell asleep at some stage and you used to be mad with me, waking me up.

The last time we went to the pictures was to see James Bond, with auntie judith and mat. James Bond was one of your very favourites. You had all the films on video then on dvd. It was the latest bond film and although you fell asleep during it a couple of times no one minded. Do you remember i bought it for you for dad for his birthday. He will treasure that dvd for ever, because he knows how much you wanted him to have it.

Hi gorgeous, st julies gala was cancelled yesterday hey ho.

Today was another day full of hurdles, i suppose ive got millions of those to come. When i was coming home tonight i wished i was rushing to take you to swimming and then onto brownies..... i went to work for a distraction, you know i missed you more today than any other, everyday is harder than the last......

Hi my most gorgeous girl, Im not going to say what today has been like, you already know. I was thinking befor about Muffin your pet hampster. You got him because we had been to visit my friend karen and her daughter Kate in Hampshire. Kate had a hampster that did tricks. You both played with the hampster all weekend. On the way home we called at all sorts of places looking for one for you and eventually found this one. You loved him and proudly called him - Muffin -. We did the usual and spent a fortune on a fancy colourful cage, a ball for him to run round in, some toys and a book that told you all about how to look after him and feed him and stuff.

You did play with Muffin not as much as he (at least we thought he was a he) would have liked you to. I think it was dads responsibility to feed Muffin. Do you remember the christmas before last when we found Muffin frozen in the utility room. We did all sorts to warm him up including using the hair dryer. Finally we brought Muffin round and gave him a new home in the conservatory where it was warm.

Then not long after Muffin got an infection in his eye. Your dad spent a fortune at the vets on anit biotics and had to clean muffins eyes with cotton buds. It was strange because I told him to sneak off to the vets without you but you found out and insisted on going. I was convinced Muffin woudnt be coming home and didnt want you to be upset.

It was ages after when Muffin did die, you were sad but you quickly got over it, maybe you have found Muffin and shown him to Brogan and Christi.

I think of all sorts of things about you Lottie, I see peope doing things and think - she will never do that, or she would have been good at that, or she would love that....

Hi my most gorgeous girl, Auntie sue came round last night and reminded me about the time Muffin went missing. He was gone for a whole week. You were worried about him and your dad set up all sorts of traps to capture him. He was on nights at the time and every morning when we got up he had placed another contraption in the kitchen to capture Muffin. Eventually one with a slide and some books and a big box worked. We did laugh didnt baby! We didnt let him out of our sight after that.

Guess where ive been today - i know you know because i think you are with me all of the time. Anyway other than work for a while I went to see Pennys mum, Sue. Guess what we talked about - oh - you and Penny! we talked about all sorts of stuff about you two and in particular that day we went to see Penny, just before you were having your line fitted. Sue and Simon thought it might help you if you saw their precious little person who had had a line fitted for ages. It did help she was like a ray of sunshine on a very sunny day. She was running around and laughing and you played with her new bubble making machine. She was so happy that day and was so very very well! On a selfish level it helped me too because I looked at Penny and thought - thats how my Lottie will be after her treatment - running about laughing and playing.

I never did tell you but i am sure your back playing again, Penny left to be an angel in February last year. I remember being devastated your dad didnt tell me for a couple of days, i was off work with you and so didnt know. But i cried and cried......

You know what one of Pennys fav story books was - im going on a bear hunt -, how amazing is that! I wonder if you have talked about that, you could play act it with her like we used to and you could both keep repeating you cant go under it you cant go over it oh no youve got to go through it.
You know Lottie Penny didnt get the opportunity to go to school, perhaps you could play - school - with her like you did with your imaginary friends, I bet Penny would love that. Dont do your - shouty - voice though, you want her to enjoy it like you did.

I miss you so much, so very very much.....

Hi gorgeous, when i was in the car coming home I heard - dancing in the moonlight -, and immediately thought of you. I told dad to add it to the list of your favourite songs, to put on the CD we are compiling.

You loved singing. You were always singing along to music in the car, you would turn the volume up if you where sat in the front or shout 'turn it up' if you where in the back of the car. You always remembered the lyrics which used to make me smile. I remember thinking'when has she heard this before to know so many of the lyrics'? You had such a varied taste too. You liked heavy metal stuff like ted nugent and his 'motor city mad house'. You loved Queen with their 'we are the champions' and 'we will rock you'. You loved Jorney and 'lights', which is really strange because most chilren your age wouldnt even know Journey existed. I remember picking you up from sues and the radio would be on or you would choose the CD to listen to and we always sang along. You didnt much like my singing but then not many people do hey ho!

I cant tell you how much i miss you lottie, i just cant describe how it feels.....

hi gorgeous, Im glad that week is over. Ive had a strange week but then you know that dont you.

Guess what im going to get my new car tomorrow, but then you will know about that too wont you.

Im missing you so much baby, theres lots to share but im not sure i want to right now, whats that about!

oh lottie, lottie, lottie xxx

Hi gorgeous, well im sorting my car out before i get my new one. I have got such mixed emotions about this one going. Ive found some of your lip gloss and one of your rings in the door pocket, so together with your pink star shaped ear rings which you also left in the door pocket i will put them all in my new car door pocket.....

Hi gorgeous, what do you think? Your dad thinks you will love it and im sure he's right. Ive put your stuff in the door. I took your CD but couldnt play it because they havnt got the radio code - whats that about? but your CD with your fav songs on will be the first ever CD played, i promise you.

Today has been a really tough day, you should have been with me to put your polos and your other things in whichever space you wanted to. You just should have been with me, i mean really with me.....

My gorgeous girl, ive been watching telly and guess what, you would love whats on. There is a show were people have to finish off the lyrics to songs to win which you would love, you picked up lyrics so quickly. The other is with arlene and bruno from strictly dancing, you would like this more than strictly dancing because its trendy, i watched these things thinking only of you - as always. Everything i do, everywhere i go, its all punctuated by my most gorgeous girl. Even being at work this week didnt change that.....

Im missing you more today than any other day, i love you so much
baby....

Hi my most gorgeous, what a day today has been, i know you will have been helpng andy and i know he will be grateful.

I had films developed today that ive found around the house, some are really old but some are from last year. I had them developed and will be producing some of them on your site. There are some really old ones from when you were a rainbow, and some of you and sophie cotter from when you were about 3yrs.There are others from last year when you were a water baby. I look at those from last year on our holiday in florida and i just think you were so well, so very well, whats all this about. We have been to helen and pauls tonight and all i think is you should be here, you really should......

Hi gorgeous, well more hurdles for me today, but i will be thinking about you every time i climb one, i love you lottie, but then you know that dont you xxx

Hi baby, i did have some hurdles today, i wondered if you were mad with me today when my necklace carrying your locket snapped and i couldnt open the front door when i first arrived home. I dont know, maybe i do, who knows, all i know is how much i love you and how much you mean to me xxx

Hi my most gorgeous girl, your dad took your swing down at the weekend. Do you remember when we first got it you were only months old and it had a seat like a bucket. Then as you got older we were able to change it into a 'big girls' seat. I cant begin to imagine how many times you played on that swing.You and your friends had hours and hours of fun on it. We decided it had to come down because the frame had become unsteady and i was worried if anyone played on it now it might break and they might get hurt. We had our monies worth out of that though, other than some cuddly toys ive got from when you were born, i think that is one of the few things we had for most of your life - what a strange statement that is.....

Hi gorgeous i used to like sharing our stuff with everyone but ive become a bit precious about it, i feel like thats our stuff, hey ho....

Hi gorgeous, well here we are 2 whole months without you! People keep telling me how time is flying - its not for me. I miss you so very much lottie, more than i could ever describe. We have been invited to school tomorrow for the opeing of your corner. Part of the irony of it is that its going to be called a 'quiet corner', which you most definitely were not. You used to talk from the minute you opened your eyes in the morning until you closed them again at night. Your chatter was relentless, what i wouldnt give to hear you again.....

I really really want to say something tomorrow at the opening of your garden but your dad said i wont be able to, what do you think babe, do you think i will be able to? i think i will try, i really want to say the poem we got your uncle john to read at your service but i dont know. I will sleep on it and see how i feel when i get there......

morning gorgeous shall we go for a run.....

Hi gorgeous, well what a morning that was. We went to school for the opening of your 'thinking' space, we all ageed that was far more appropriate than 'quiet space'. Like i said yesterday and we all agreed the last thing you were was quiet. Anyway auntie sue told me that you could see it from the road and i did wonder how. Idont wonder how anymore. Well baby you would love it, you really would. Its beautiful, infact quite magical. People have worked so hard to have it ready for today. Parents and friends teachers, helpers, your year. They have put a wind chime in which is pink. Your intials are painted on the hanging baskets - in pink. The benches and table are - yes pink. There are lots of beautiful flowers in pink painted planters. They even put pink painted footprints on the grass. Mrs T planted this years rose of the year and guess what its called - 'tickled pink'. Theres a cherry blossom tree been planted opposite too. Its fab lottie really fab. All the children came out of class and Mr Wellens said some lovely stuff and i cut the ribbon to open it. It was such an emotional time it really was. I told them that you would love it, that you would think it was fab. I couldnt say any more though lottie i was too emotional.

It rained so i had your pink umbrella, it felt right to have it with me. Its a funny umbrella cos its got 'punk' stuff on it.

Im going to get your dad to put some pictures on here. We have got a key so we will be able to visit whenever we want. I wondered if i should invite your friends but i couldnt speak very easily. We will be going with auntie sue and john and andrea and everyone, infact anyone who wants to come with us will be welcome. We are going to buy things to put there too. I would like your photo there and auntie sue had a good idea so we will find out if its possible...... i miss you so much baby, more than you could ever imagine....

Hi gorgeous, sorry about yesterday, saturdays are not good for me, actually i struggle with sundays, and lets not talk about the rest of the week.

Im trying my best not to 'do' dates. There are certain dates i will never forget like the date the tumour was diagnosed, the date they said 'theres no more treatment', and of course the day you died. Thats a difficult one in as much as i think its been 9 weeks today (yesterday), 2 months on the 19th, saturdays themselves are a date.

Im trying my best because i can remember the day you started your chemo. I remember that for millions of reasons but i remember them saying dont handle the tablets (as well as stuff that was fed into your line). They gave us boxes of surgical gloves. I remember thinking 'ok so i put gloves on to handle something which i say to my baby you put this in your mouth - i dont think so'. What was that about anyway we got over that didnt we. Then when the chemo stopped then when your radio therapy started -stopped. Dates for scans, i remember them all baby, that was my job. Im not going to do it though its not healthy, it doesnt make any difference. I keep telling myself 'nothing i say/dont say, nothing i do/dont do will bring her back'. It doesnt stop me being sad and wishing though!

I got your dad to agree that we wouldnt throw anything of yours away without consulting each other. Things dont mean the same to us, anyway, i had been in your bedroom one day recently and i noticed the countdown chart made during your radio therapy. It was rolled up in your unit. I told your dad i wanted to throw it away and he agreed. However when i opened it out each date was covered in stickers which you had placed there. I immediately remembered how happy you were after each treatment to put stickers on the date. The stickers were things like smiley faces, winnie the pooh characters and others. All i could see was your big smiley face putting the sticker on and saying things like 'one more over', and then eating chocolates from their big box. It reduced me to tears and i couldnt possibly throw it away, it had you and happy all over it....

Yesterday was a really sad day, but kath had invited us to hers to release balloons for you. Lots of people went to lots of trouble to make it all pink. Kath especially, she had lots of pink things, flowers and cocktails, helen bought the balloons, amy made pink fairy cakes and everyone wore something pink. Paul bought a new t shirt which he looked lovely in. Everyone wrote a message (including amelia) on pink paper. We released the balloons outside kaths and they went on and on. I included in mine that if anyone found it they might like to light a candle on here for you but we will wait and see.

I miss you so much my baby, you would love all this stuff, but i wish it wasnt happening, i wish it wasnt necessary, i wish i wish i wish.......

Hi gorgeous, well we've been. Me auntie sue and emma went for a jaunt on the duck bus. Just like you and auntie sue last year. We went at the same time as you both, the first monday after school has finished. Emma needed some of your brave but actually didnt realise how much until we entered the water. We all wore yellow, Auntie sue had a bright yellow jacket, and emma put together lovely pink carnations with yellow roses, wrapped in lovely yellow and pink sparkly ribbon for us all. She also sprayed them with sparkly glitter hair spray, they are beautiful. We wore yellow because you did last year.

The driver on the duck bus asked us if we had been to a wedding, i told him no it was a special day. Then off we went to the ha ha bar, auntie sue had your fish fingers and chips me and emma had something different because we didnt think you would mind.

Emma asked you for sunshine and hey ho it did, it rained when we where on the way home so that was fine.

We all had a special day and thought about you and yes you guessed it talked about you all day. Missing you baby......

I just got back from taking auntie sue and emma to your 'thinking garden'. Emma loves it, your wind chime was blowing it sounded so peaceful. oh lottie, lottie, lottie xxx

Hi gorgeous, i think about you all the time, i miss you so much my most gorgeous girl, i wish, wish, wish xxx

Hi my most gorgeous girl, people keep asking me why i have stopped leaving messages, i just say im sad, so very sad, i cant do sharing right now, but i will, im just in a dark place right now, but it wont be like this all of the time, you know how i feel lottie xxx

Hi gorgeous, people are worried about me, they dont need to be do they, im just sad thats all. If i wasnt sad then i would welcome people worrying. I just feel like this because i love you so much and i miss you even more.

The next catalogue arrived a couple of days ago and like everything in my world reminded me so much of you. We used to go through it together and you would make a list of what you wanted. You used to get it all too. You would tell me what you wanted me to buy, what i would suit, what you liked ...... It was one of our things wasnt it, another one of our things.

The next sale was on at the weekend and again i was reminded of when you went to the summer sale last year with hannah and tracy. You queued from very early that morning and everything you bought was pink. All different shades, some things had sparkly things on some had frills. You bought t shirts, skirts, a dress, some tops and shoes. You were so well then baby, so well and so very happy. You took those things on holiday to florida and as always you looked so beautiful. I love you so much baby.....

Hi gorgeous, andrea gave us some pictures the other day, from richard barons dad. You remember him from nursery dont you. Well he is a teacher at andreas school. Im going to get your dad to put them on here.

I was trying to describe your service to one of my friends today and she said i heard it was really special, she couldnt come because she was visiting her mum in norfolk at the time she was poorly. Anyway we talked about you for ages.

I miss you so much baby i just keep wishing.....

Hi gorgeous, we had a good run today didnt we. The farmers have trimmed their hedges so we are not ducking and diving out of the way are we. I miss you so much baby, i think about you all of the time. What you should, would, could be doing, who with all that sort of thing.

Im being 'minded' again for the next couple of days i hope you are with me.

Your dad is making me watch a film with rowan atkinson in. That means i will be going to bed soon. You used to love watching him didnt you. You love mr bean and johnny english, not my cup of tea, but i would watch them with you if you wanted me to.

Your dad put more pictures on the other day. There are a couple from alex's party where you had a make over. You loved it because they put highlights in your hair and put sparkly make up on you. The pictures are beautiful of you. There are also some of you and natalie at chester zoo. Just a couple of months after you were diagnosed. They let you both feed the penguins and you both had a lovely day. It was a special day mostly because you laughed so much and had a really great time.

There are lots of others and your dad will put them all on eventually.

Im going to carry your IPod with me for the next couple of days.Do you remember when you got your pink IPod from my friends from work. It was really state of the art at the time. It will be the first time ive listened to your music for ages. Ive got other things too.

Ive given your dad a list of jobs to do while im not here, he will be in big trouble if he doesnt do them.

I passed the stables today where you had horse riding lessons. I saw rosy the dapple grey horse. You used to call her the 'apple' grey horse, it was one of those things you said which we didnt correct because it made us smile. You loved that horse, and wanted to carry on lessons. I had to tell you only when you were better because you couldnt hold on properly. Oh baby, baby........

You know baby people say you crammed lots into your short life, and i suppose you did, but there was so much more for you to do. I wanted you to have so many different experiences, i simply wanted more, thats all more time with you........

Well my gorgeous im back from barcelona. Andrea, Helen, Lizbeth, Kath and Karen have been 'minding' me. They were all very lovely, the weather was lovely, everything was lovely, but all i could think about was missing you. I avoided the 'duty free' stuff on the way out. That used to be one of our favourite things to do didnt it. We would spend ages smelling perfumes, trying on lipsticks and you always ended up with goodies. I loved those times, so simple yet so enjoyable. That was always our time wasnt it.

While i was away i saw what looked like mums with their daughters and kept thinking, that would have been me and you in years to come. We would have visited lots of places together and one of those places would have been barcelona.

I looked in shops and saw things that i would have bought for you. Things you would have liked - not liked. Food that you would have liked - not liked. I was surrounded by memories of happy times.

I took some of your stuff, some i left in my case but other things i carried everywhere with me. I reasoned that on this trip you wouldnt have been with me but it didnt make the pain go away. It didnt stop me feeling so sad and crying when i was on my own, it didnt stop me thinking 'if only'......

I did a silly thing on the way back, without even thinking i wondered into the duty free shop and it was like walking into a brick wall. It just made me cry. Even things as straight forward as getting the luggage off the conveyor belt - it was one of your jobs to tell your dad when our luggage came out. You used to get so excited. One of the hardest things was trying not to remember our last trip to disney in january, anyway... everything i do reminds me of you which would be ok if you where here and the pain wasnt.

I love you so much my gorgeous girl, so very very much, but i miss you a whole lot more.......

Hi gorgeous, i know i keep saying about things that remind me of you but we did go on lots of holidays with you didnt we. Putting on suncream without putting it on you first was an amazingley intense 'missing you' feeling. That was always my job wasnt it. Your skin was so soft. I remember once your shoulders didnt get burnt but got more sun than they should have. We where on holiday in florida on the coast. The following day i made you wear a t shirt - you didnt complain. I felt so so guilty.

I took your pink ipod to barcelona. I couldnt play it though. I should have realised that before i went.The thought of listening to the music you chose specially just made me feel sad, can you imagine how that feeling would have intensified had i listened to it. So i just carried it around with me instead....

Your dad introduced jack to ebay while i was away. He suggested to him that if he emptied their garage and sold everything he could ask his mum and dad for 50% and they would probably agree just to get rid of everything - oh no another power seller......

Shall we go for a run baby.....

I wore one of our hats while i was away. You know what im like about getting my head burnt. I remember you always wore my hats while we where on holiday. Straw hats, baseball caps, you always ended up wearing mine even though you had your own. Do you remember when they said that you would lose your hair because of the chemo treatment. I rushed into liverpool to buy you the most fab hats. I spent a fortune buying you different types. Ones with scarves, ones with gloves but all matching.You didnt wear most of them although you did love hats. There are lots of photos with you wearing hats, you suited them too. You had some of the most up to date head gear. Even hats with braids hanging from them which came from the hospital. You quite liked those too.

Hi my most gorgeous girl in the whole wide world oh lottie, lottie, lottie i miss you so much baby, i think about you constantly. I walked into NEXT today in liverpool and felt a big panic attack. They have moved childrens wear upstairs, and there were all sorts of clothes that you would love. I asked a woman what was going on and she said refurbishing. Apparantly they will be returning it to the basement, i cant wait i decided i wouldnt go into that department ever again, it was such a shock to see childrens clothes upstairs and made me feel so sad, all over again. Theyve got uniforms and school shoes on sale everywhere i looked and i just think if only, if only.....


Hi gorgeous, you know i miss you, everyone knows i miss you. We did so much 'stuff' together and shared so much. This time two years ago i was worrying that you might not be able to drive when you grew up. Can you believe that. Now i think if only..... You would say that when you learned to drive you would have my car. I apparantly would just give it to you as a matter of course. I was fine with that not having any idea where we would be now. I wish so much that was going to happen but thats not to be .....

Hi my most gorgeous girl, i think you where with me today at work especially at the meeting i had to chair. I felt you helped me be 'kind' to people who talked about stuff not relevant to the meeting. I wouldnt have been 'kind' in the past but hey ho there i was today being really considerate whilst 'shutting' people down so we didnt all have to listen to their moans.

You are so obvioulsy there, with me and others and its just you caring, you always cared about people and that has clearly continued. I love you so much baby, my whole world is all about you. People say 'what are you doing this weekend' they dont realise that actually i havnt got anything to do anymore, all my weekends were about you. Then they say 'have a good weekend', i cant imagine that to happen ever ever again. This weekend will be more difficult than the others if thats possible. Auntie sue calls you her necklace, that is just what you were, so tactile, always kissing and hugging and just touching.... i miss that so much....I cant believe your not here baby, i cant believe your not going to walk through the door, or rush in my bedroom in the morning like you did. I cant believe that no one is going to kiss, hug or touch me like you did. I just find that so so hard to accept....

Hi gorgeous, another saturday without you! Your sunflower that you planted years and years ago is growing. You were never really interested in the garden. You liked that i planted all sorts of colourful flowers but you didnt like gardening with me did you. But anyway its hooge as you used to say when you were younger. Another word we didnt correct. I loved you saying it hooge, hey ho....

You used to have a saying that made made me smile , you would say 'do you know what i mean'. Often you said it out of context and it made me laugh, whats that about!

Hi baby i hope you enjoyed our run. I was thinking about your fish. I dont know why. If you remember after the tumour had been diagnosed your friends at your dance school collected a pile of money for you to buy yourself a pressie. It was difficult for you to decide but i persuaded you that you wanted a pressie from somewhere other than 'clares'.

One day after you had been for an eye test, i took you to the pet shop. The eye test result was that your poriferal vision was being affected so we needed cheering up. Anyway you said you wanted a chinchilla, until i told you that they were nocturnal. Then you decided on fish. The man in the shop was very helpful and said that tropical fish were easier to look after than gold fish. You picked a fab fish tank and all sorts of things to go in it like a skeleton (when you were younger you said 'skelington, another word we didnt correct) a bridge, plants lovely pink stone for the bottom and then fish. You could only choose 6 fish to begin with, then after a week or so you could get 6 more and so on. You chose some lovely colourful fish.

The first fish you bought were tetra neons, they have blue and red in them, and to make life easier you called them all 'bob'.Then you bought 5 golden orfe and called them all 'lightening'. You bought 3 catfish and called them 'hoover', one was bigger than the others so you called him 'dyson'. You liked your fish, we all did. I sit and watch them for ages and ages.

The week before you died about 6 of the fish died, it was very odd. We lost one a day.Your dad replaced them but you didnt know anything about anything then you were so heavily sedated. How strange was that!

Someone asked me recently if i thought i talked to you via this website, i said i do, maybe that makes me odd i dont know. You know baby i dont know what else to do, i wish i wish you know the rest gorgeous, xxx

Hi gorgeous, what a run that was - 6 miles, i havnt run that far for years. Today isnt a good day for me baby so i needed to try and get rid of some of that negavtive stuff i feel. Your dad wasnt impressed when i told him where i wanted to run, only because its a hard run. Anyway weve done it now.

I cant tell you how many times ive played over in my mind that friday 2 years ago when they told us you had a brain tumour. I can picture every minute of that day.I can remember an appointment i cancelled that morning. It was with a guy called sean bell. Guess what i work with sean now. I said i wouldnt do dates but some are just imprinted forever. This is one of those dates.

When we took you to hospital we had no idea. You were only 9 years and 2 months old so they couldnt be telling us anything too serous could they.We thought they would say you had diabetes, can you believe that. I went in my uniform and met you and your dad there thinking i would be able to carry on to work what on earth was i thinking about. You played for hours and hours because we were there all day. I remember at one stage a nurse saying to us do you think she should be left on her own. You where in a play room with some other kids and me and your dad thought she was a bit over the top. She obviously knew stuff that we didnt. You know we still didnt twig to the seriousness of it all.

Then they told us and the rest as they say is history.....

I cant believe that 21 months later you died. I know in my head we did all we could, but in my heart i think did we really do everything we could. Should we have gone elsewhere, i dont know america or somewhere. But my head says what difference would that have made. The tumour didnt repsond to the treatment, the only treatment available so what would going somewhere else have achieved. I just miss you baby thats why im rambling, i would give anything, anything for things to be different but then im sure you know that, i love you so much my lottie xxx

hi gorgeous, you know i never allowed myself to think about you dying until about 2 weeks before your death. maybe that was why i was strong, maybe that was how i coped. you were so so brave, you didnt show how it bothered you and i followed your lead. i think about you all the time baby, all the time xxx

Hi gorgous, been out with auntie marie, sue and emma today. Ive given auntie marie your photos and she was delighted. Its been a strange day baby, but then so are most of my days.

I remember this day two years ago but im not going to, other than to say you were so happy, blissfully ignorant, and as usual happy, you spent the day with sam and you both had a great time.....


Hi my most gorgeous girl, my mind is all mixed up, i think about this time last year when you were so well, and so excited about going to florida. Then i think about this time 2 yrs ago when i remember the day so well, again a day spent with sam but that night it was a sunday and you went into alder hey. I remember it so well, i remember the next couple of weeks you spent in hospital. Preparing you for your biopsy, treatment, telling you what it was all about. Explaining everything in a way that didnt frighten you like it did me I remember them saying about the tablets part of the chemo 'you cant handle these you have to wear gloves'. I remember thinking 'so how does that work, this is the most important person in my world, im giving her tablets to put in her mouth and digest yet i cant handle them i have to wear gloves - i think not'. As always baby i had a plan.

I remember challenging them about where you were treated. You where in the high dependancy unit to begin with which meant they woke you every couple of hours, which meant you were so so tired and all the stuff which goes with that. Eventually i got you moved from there to a ward sharing with 3 others,then to a room on your own. I wouldnt let it go would i, you needed your sleep and that was that.

Then i had the challenges about you going home at weekends and eventually that happened, i look back and think how did we get through